Worst Film of 2013

Out of the 138 films I saw over the year, these are the ones that annoyed me the most. Whether it is because of the poor plot or poor characters, these films were pretty disastrous in my eyes and with an Unlimited Card I am pretty stoked I didn't really pay to see these.

I’m a big fan of Seth Rogen and his delicious voice-box but this film fell flat in my eyes. The jokes in the trailer was about as funny as the film got. So rather than focussing on the laughs they chose to take the story down a sappy line which became cringeworthy and uncomfortable pretty quick. The character development was pretty shallow and the pacing was a bit slow. Streisand fans will have a ball and her part in a Texan steak eating contest was a shining light in an otherwise dull movie.




[Original Review] Sugar overload! I have just recently started watching TV show ‘The Americans’ with Keri Russell, in which I think she is brilliant, however with this she fumbles from silly set piece to silly storyline with no great reward. Opposite Nicollette Sheridan plays another version of her character in ‘2 Broke Girls’, much to my annoyance - over the top and adding another layer of stupidity to the charade. Of course, they still manage to squeeze in the Hollywood ending bringing up the bile just a little further.

[Original Review] Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger in an action film, what could go wrong? Plenty. This one seemed to take itself too seriously, with the only comedy coming through in Arnie’s sidekick character, Rottmayer. A wandering plotline and an uninspired ending make this film feel slow and tiring. The only things going for it was Arnie’s one-liners and Jim Caviezel’s baddie.

[‘Disappointing’Review] Already appearing on my ‘Most Disappointing Film’ list, this addition to the Die Hard franchise is one of the worst. Not that any can be expected to beat the original, they didn’t even seem to try, turning it into just another generic action film. So we get a forced father/son dynamic which just doesn’t work, especially with Willis’s one-liners that are crow-barred in at every opportunity. Just watched the original again instead!

[Original Review] This French film was interesting to a point but then after leaving the cinema and thinking about it again I was left with a ‘what was the point in that?’ feeling. Trying to find some redeeming quality is hard as there seemed to be no reasoning behind the young protagonist’s seedy and seemingly selfish actions. I cannot fault any of the actor’s performances and the script flowed well. In the end though I cannot forgive the plot, which without a backbone, appeared to just play on the gratuitous nudity and sexual adventures.

[‘Disappointing’ Review] Another from my ‘Most Disappointing List’ which I believe this is supposed to be arty and sophisticated, but for me it was boring and pretentious. The character Olga Kurylenko played was the worst, I despised her – she seemed unforgiving and selfish, someone I would have ‘unfriended’ a long time ago if she was a real person. The cinematography was beautiful though, with lots of longing shots of summery scenes.

I didn’t have high hopes for this one before going in, considering the sequel had been pretty rubbish as well. This one was no different, except perhaps being even more bombastic and unrealistic. Sometimes bigger is not always better. John Goodman popped in and added a tiny bit of gravitas but then he popped off again and it was left to the characters we have been seen over the last two films do the same things all over again. The first of the franchise was original, funny and ended well – let’s just pretend that was the only one made.




With a great voice cast behind it, a cute sidekick that was prominent in the trailer and a storyline that follows a similar path as A Land Before Time, this should have been pretty good. It all just fell a little flat though and was completely  forgettable overall. These cavemen had obviously been modernised for the children of today, which for me just seemed to jarring and the emotional depth of the characters were pretty shallow really. There were plenty of other animated films out in 2013 that had more heart, more fun and more appealing characters – try one of them instead.

One word I could use to describe this film – flat. Yes, there were explosions and chases and scheming, but it felt like no-one really wanted to be there (even though it seems Cruise did, as he’s now drumming up a sequel). It didn’t help that every time Cruise was on screen he had a face that looked as if he was about to burst into laughter – it was pretty off-putting and didn’t let me see any depth in his character at all. The chemistry between the leads was non-existent, with Rosamund Pike as the love interest you would think Cruise’s Reacher would be excited however it seems he’s only interested in himself. 

I have never walked out of a film in all my life and never plan to, however this had me on the edge of my seat several times (and not in a good way!). I was flabbergasted leaving the screen – how on earth did the makers get so many talented and truly powerful actors to sign up to this? I have to go with blackmail, or perhaps they were drugged, or maybe their children were threatened.

This film played out like a sketch show – where the humour was puerile and vomit inducing – and was held together with the most pathetic storyline about an apocalypse (alternative versions have been tried also). I honestly can’t pick out which part was worse – Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet’s testicle soup date, Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant’s one-upmanship,  Anna Faris’ coprophiliac engagement to Chris Pratt, or Gerard Butler’s kidnapped leprechaun. This is just the top of the iceberg, let’s not forget Uma Thurman, Richard Gere, Terrence Howard, Kate Bosworth, Justin Long, Jason Sudekis, Kristen Bell, Chloe Grace Moretz, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Elizabeth Banks and Josh Duhamel are all in this waste of time as well.

‘Why? How?’ I cry to myself every time I think of this film.




Well thankfully that’s all over! Any others you have seen this year that think deserve to be on this list? I can now put all these films out of my memory and look forward to next years batch of duffers. It’s onwards and upwards next with the Best Actor category.